


about as effective as abstinence only education

by summerdayghost



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Awkward Dates, First Dates, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 03:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17779400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerdayghost/pseuds/summerdayghost
Summary: All that left was Operation Bring Your Cutie to Work Day.





	about as effective as abstinence only education

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scorpiod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiod/gifts).



“This is no place to go to work,” Wade spun in a circle with his arms out stretched wide, “I mean, look around. This place is so distinctly unglamorous it hurts.”

“I don’t know. This warehouse is nicer than my taxi,” Dopinder squinted a little into the distance, “I think that sign is lettered in real gold.”

Fighting the urge to slouch over and give up on the universe in its entirely was difficult. Harder than any life he had ever taken. Wade would know, he had taken lots.

He still didn’t think contract killer was the right career choice for Dopinder. Sure, he killed the fuck out of that one guy with his taxi, but he was too sweet. He was sweet in a way Wade was pretty sure he himself had never been. Wade had practically been born cussing.

Now, Wade wasn’t usually the sort to get in between a man and his dreams— Well, he’d certainly done it before now that he thought about it, but it wasn’t a hobby of his or anything. He wasn’t that much of an asshole. Although that would probably be a lot more fun crochet, the latest hobby he had tried. He just couldn’t get down the chain thing.

Anyway, Wade wasn’t usually the sort to get between a man and his dreams, but something had to be done. He figured that a lecture on the inherent immorality of murder coming from him would be like an anti-drug campaign with a simplistic slogan lacking nuance or an understanding of most real world situations coming from the wife of a drug pusher. Which was a ridiculous scenario that had obviously never happened.

So that left no option but Operation Bring Your Chauffeur to Work Day (or Operation BYC2WD for short). At least it was Bring Your Chauffeur to Work Day until Wade second guessed his ability to actually spell chauffeur correctly one too many times and he changed it to Operation Bring Your Cutie to Work Day (or Operation BYC2WD for short). Chauffeur was a pretentious thing to call what Dopinder was anyway. Wade never paid him anywhere near enough to justify referring to him with such a high dollar title. Well, there was the fact that Dopinder was worth a lot to Wade on a personal level but who cared about that.

Things had not gone as Wade imagined. Dopinder was supposed to be horrified by the whole process. Instead he was thrilled. Judging by the smile on his face if murder wasn’t top secret and illegal Dopinder might have wanted to take pictures of everything the preserve the moment. It was like he was at the botanical gardens just trying to take as much of every beautiful sight in as he could with one mind.

It wasn’t Disneyland for heaven’s sake. Although Wade wasn’t sure if Dopinder had ever gone to Disneyland. He could imagine him buying one of those mouse ear hats and keeping it in the glove box after he left.

Wade sighed, “It is real gold.”

The slow heat death of the universe was inevitable in the same way Dopinder’s descent to the dark side was. Wade just needed to accept that. It was weird thinking of it as the dark side. The quote unquote dark side was the side Wade was on. He understood he wasn’t a saint but it was still a bizarre feeling.

All in all, Wade had been on worse first dates. He’d even been on worse second dates. For next time he was thinking something less future crime scene like and more aquarium like instead. People said men couldn’t be fixed. Wade knew they could, but he couldn’t do it on the first date. He understood now that it had to be a slower process. It was more of a third date thing like that sex rule Wade never observed.

Besides, he wanted to know if that octopus was still mad at him or if they were cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
